Day 29

Air / Water temperature: 27°C (15°C at night) / 24°C

Wind direction / Bft: Northeast / 1-2

Area: MARE ROBIGINIS (flat breakers) – Nautical chart showing the route

Combuse: Redbarred parrotfish (500 g) fillet and pull of the skin, rinse the flesh carefully and pat dry. In a blender puree to make a sauce 40 g ginger, 4 cloves of garlic, 1 heaped tablespoon light miso, 2 tablespoons soy sauce, 3 tablespoons rice vinegar, 1 tablespoon sesame oil and 1 teaspoon sugar. Arrange on a plate some roquette, some finely chopped radicchio, strips of yellow pepper, a few halved cherry tomatoes. Drip some sauce over it. Salt and pepper the fish fillets, fry in a little oil 5 minutes per side and place on the salad. (Recipes from the Chief cook of «PS Narina»)

The bizarre dreams of a restless morning do not quite stop pursuing me the whole day. I must cut a sorry figure even in the eyes of an ant. For, Oskar looks at me in a manner as if to say: «Can I help you in any way?» I’m probably imagining it – it’s just that ants always look like such eager helpers. 

That reminds me of a hair-raising moment during my schooldays. One day some sort of career counsellor came along and asked us all what sort of work we imagined we could do and what reward, above all, we wanted it to bring us. The result of that little exercise revealed that all my schoolmates wanted, above all, to do something in life to help others – as doctors or social workers, police, teachers, firemen, kindergarten assistants… It was a revelation that saw me suffering many a sleepless night. If everyone wants to spend their life concentrating on helping others, then, I reckoned, somebody should of necessity stand aside – one who accepts help as a recipient, nothing more, nothing less, and is not consumed by the desire to scream that s/he is a helper. And naturally, it was clear that only I could be this person: the end of the help-chain, a leper, a worthless freeloader. For a few days, I found it difficult to look at my schoolmates in the eye.

At some point thereafter I liberated myself from the idea that I must look like a big fat blackhead in the pure skin of society. But an element of distrust has remained: as soon as somebody tells me that his mission in life is to be of help to others, I instinctively get the feeling that there must be something slightly wrong with the chap’s way of thinking.

Next day (30)

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